(no subject)

So I've been looking through a lot of my pictures, deleting some and I found a few of downtown Spokane during winter.
And I'm starting to realize how much I truly do miss it there in the winter. It's so beautiful in the winter, especially at night.
I really don't know why but I prefer winter there then anywhere else. Don't get me wrong I love Seattle and would prefer living here
all the time, but I think Spokane winter has always been my favorite, for several reason, some standing out more then others obviously.
It would be nice to just live in spokane in the few winter months then live in Seattle the rest of the time. I think doing that would be something the would suit me just fine. I like moving around a lot, I get bored far to easily in one spot for to long. I think my heart truly lies in both Spokane and Seattle.

Anyways, been doing my checking and balancing out my money issues. I got recorded the bills paid and what still needs to be paid and figured out how much I actually have left in my banking account and I realized I am better off then I thought I was by a few pennies. I have almost 3'000 left, which is not much with treatment cost's but still pretty good. Then hopefully I get my tax return back here soon, like within the next week or so and I should be back to just having my nose above water.
Still haven't found a job, had a few interviews but no luck yet, I think the being sick is the breaking point in these interviews, which is all to understanding. Who would want to hire someone who has such unpredictable health such as mine? But none the less I will keep the search moving forward, I need a job so I really don't have time to not look for one. I want to be able to afford my own place by the beginning of June/end of April. Still searching for a roommate.....

Oh lordy, I'm really ready to start Cosmetology again. I have so many plans that I can't wait to see go through as time goes on. I can't stand doing nothing with my life, sort of like I'm doing right now thanks for being this sick. I feel utterly useless and I don't like it.

I miss kissing you in the snow on our way back from Hogan's....
Even though I know it won't change I still want you to read this and what I've said before and PULL YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS! I don't care if we don't date again, I just want my best friend/other half back around. When you weren't being a huge ass hole to me, you were a huge help even if you don't realize it. But I won't know if you read this, you are still pissed at me.

(no subject)
So our little chat the other really helped me out. It made me realize so many things and one of them is I love you, but I really just don't care anymore. I'm done with your immature, hypocritical bullshit. You will hold this grudge against me for a long time to come. And I've grown tired. You were my life once even when I've never been yours but that's long gone. You lack any forgivness skills, you lack realization of many things my dear, you are overly selfish and incapable of seeing both sides of our fucked up little relationship. Instead you only see your side, you forgot to factor in your never ending fuck ups, you are a compulsive liar, you can't think for yourself some of the times you left your friends influience a lot of your desisions when it comes to me and other things, I meant it when I said no matter what, even though I knew you didn't, you are a hard one to trust....good thing I rarely did, then I expected the endless fuck ups and daft, defensive excusses. I love you very much still and would love to wake up next to your smelly breath every morning again, but If you aren't willing to pull your head out of your ass see both sides, work things out and forgive me then I can't care anymore....I won't, I refuse to let this hurt anymore then it already has. You don't care, why should I still? Why should I feel bad....you never did when you hurt me and fucked me over. You will never get it, you will never see.....You don't want to. You content in your ignorant state of running. I'm tired of trying to explain, trying to get you to see both sides...trying to get you to see everything, but you don't want to. You can talk all the shit about me you want, you can try to keep putting me down and making me hurt more, knock yourself out it doesn't really effect me anymore anyways.

If you are happy right now....then I am happy for you and wish you the best.

I'm going to bed early tonight. My back hurts, I feel sick, I'm running a fever still. Today has been long, I'm being staulked, I'm going to beat the shit out of someone here soon, for a skinny girl I pack a mean punch....several people have figured that one out ahaha. Going to go sit outside and cool off hopefully. I'm burning up...holy howard!

If I'm such a piece of shit....
Why am I still saying sorry after so long?
Why am I still regreting what I did, when you know you deserved it?
Why am I still trying to get your forgiveness when I should be the one telling you to fuck off?
Why do I still care about you?

If I was such a piece of shit, I would care less about you and the fact that I hurt you, I would have never been there for you and never put up with all your shit for so long.
I would have cut strings and walked away from you without looking back the second you found out.

If I could take back what I did, I would which is much more then you deserve dear and you know that.
I've always been there for you...literally No Matter What. How come the tables turned when your the one who got hurt? Your ignorant hypocrisy is a joke. For some one so intelligent, you really are having a hard time seeing when you've gotten what you deserve. I know you will hold this over me for a long time...
I want my best friend back but I'm done hurting over it, and holding on when you aren't going to grow up anytime soon and see both sides.
I love you and I am sorry. You know I've always meant what I said. I'm done trying to make you see both sides.

Today has been a horrible day, I have a fever of 103 and I've had the shakes n'shivers on and off.  I'm so ready for this to be over with. I can't stand being this sick anymore....its been a year of hellish sickness and I'm done.  Going to bed early today.
Every aspect of me feels like shit. Going to try and not think about anything/anyone for the next few days. I've been running the other direction away from memory lane, but I've been having flash backs like crazy. Gavin gets back from his tattoo appointment soon hopefully. I'm jealous, lucky fucker gets to get another one and I need to be responsible and not spend money I don't have on things that can wait ahaha. Going to smoke some weed and take the edge off of everything. Gza came home the other day, if you were wondering his surgery went fine. He currently has a cone on his head and looks utterly goofy! He hates it so much ahaha

(no subject)
Today has officially been thee longest day. But it was an amazing day at that. Spent the whole entire day with gavin.....like every other day, Took Gza to surgery and fucking 6 o'clock in the damn morning, then came home and sat on the computer and watched movies trying to not worry about him. Spending a day cuddled up in bed with my man was nice.
Was informed that I am simple minded.....by none other then thee most simple minded person I know. Intelligent yet only see himself when it really comes down to it you really don't deserve an opinion dear when the only thing you see in this situation is you. If your way of making yourself feel better is putting me down by telling me I'm simple and our relationship was shallow then so be it because I know thats a load of shit.  So that was fun. Then I made Gavin and I dinner.....phenomenal tasting dinner at that! But now his friend is in town and they went out to the bar....on a monday night how nice. Good thing he doesn't have work in the morning or this situation would be a no go. Last time he went out he came back piss drunk.....and some how managed to snag up some sweet bug glasses...and hit on my grandma. So you know it was an exciting night. Not to mention he slipped and fell in the shower thanks to the skin-so-soft that had been in there the night before from my bath....I don't know how he fell he had socks on....and boxers....well one sock on anyways. It was pretty interesting. I mentioned I'm going to take a shower and he decideds to join, so he goes and starts the shower in my grandparents shower....then when I go and find out why hes in the wrong shower I hear a THUD as I'm almost at the door and I see him just laying in the shower laughing. Then he gets completely serious stands up strips his sock and undies walks up to me kisses me then walks past everyone butt ass naked and passes out....upside down....and did I mention he still has the bug glasses on. hahaha It was an interesting night. It was awkward though....we only take baths together never showers and we've never had sex so why he wanted to randomly shower with me was beyond me. ahahahahaha then again he was drunk and the water was luke warm when I went to go shut it off. He is a pretty unique person....not to mention flat out weird and pretty much great for my weirdness and me! haha

(no subject)

One more bad day.
Gza has his surgery in the morning, so I'm filling out papers for that right now....papers that were supposed to be filled out a long time ago actually.
So tomorrow is going to be a full day, he has his surgery and I start my last...hopefully last round of treatment which will be once a week for the next 2 months.
I don't know though because I haven't been feeling so well lately. I really can't do this much longer. This is really exhausting and the lack of sleep doesn't make anything any better. I'm tired of laying in bed most nights just crying because I'm in so much pain. It's extremely uncomfortable to have so much physical pain constantly annoying you.
I want to be better....in ever aspect thats killing me right now. Don't get me wrong I'm really living my life and just trying to make the best of everything but somedays I don't want to do it anymore.

Going to go finish my papers, take a bath, throw up and get in bed. I'm done for today.

Maybe you will read all this and actually answer nicely for once...doubt it.

"I wonder if your new boyfriend knows you still hit me up...you gonna fuck his bestfriend too?"
Seriously Paul? How old are you? Let it go, I've said my sorry's. I've delt with your ignorant hypocrisy. I've forgiven you for
all the shit you've put me through, I've given you so many second chances when you didn't deserve a single one. Now it's your turn love....To hear me out and actually listen.
I really do miss you and I sort of really haven't stopped honestly.
I really am sorry Paul. For more then just fucking you over. I'm sorry I put a lot of the blame on you when sometimes I should of been putting it on myself for smoothering you when I was paranoid. After you moved in with Sean and Missy things just seemed to go down hill at full speed. You stopped putting in any effort like the friends you had there were more important. I had so much resentment towards you for treating me like such shit...like I was nothing to you all of a sudden. You had me so emotionally strunge out some days, that I wasn't sure I really wanted to be with you anymore and I really just wanted to leave you so you couldn't continue to rehurt me. But I knew that leaving you would hurt even more and I would be in the situation I am right now....still missing you and wanting you back but pretending I was just fine. I never understood why you could never just grasp the concept that if you just explained to me that you didn't want to talk I would understand, yes I would have been bummed but I would have understood. You did it a few times and I got it andbacked off. Then things would get better for a while, then go right back downhill. I know though that I really shouldn't have been so clingy with you, I just really missed you and didn't like the feeling of missing you when you seemed to forget. So I always seemed to want to make you remember. Which was a bad idea, I should of just let it go and backed off. Some days though I really just wanted to quit, I had had it with you and your shit, I was tired of being paranoid and you never proving me wrong, instead proving me right about the wrong things. It seemed, just like everyone else it would have taken you a few days to notice I was actually gone. I never understood why you treated me like such shit....why you've always ran from me. Then again I somewhat did. I just figured you were scared...probably were. I had put up with your shit for so long it got to the point where I didn't want to deal with it anymore because I knew I wasn't going to make it out
in one piece but I knew leaving you would have torn me in two. You always seeked my adoration but only returned it if I was standing right in front of you smiling. Then when I left everything completely changed, you were a dick and ignored me. You never seemed to get it, you always have been so oblivious. You never seemed to be afraid of losing me....then again I wasn't going anywhere. I love you to much to want to leave you for good, but some days you were nothing more then a god damn plague, a thorn in my side...I wanted to leave so bad some days, but I knew I couldn't even if the chance presented it's self in perfect colors....I knew I wouldn't, I knew it would hurt so much worse if I were to walk away from you. Even when you asked me to wait for you then went off and was with someone else....several times and lied to me all the time. I hated you so much sometimes. I never understood how when we stayed together we had the most amazing relationship....then after i got on the bus everything went down hill. I was so sick of sharing you and being pushed aside some days. I never understood...if you wanted to leave, you should have and not come back like you always seemed too. Did I finally give you a good excuse to piss off? You never seemed to understand that it was never about you fucking me over.....but that you compulsivly lied to me all the time for the past few years. We been through so much shit together and for you to throw it away on a mistake I made that you've made a thousand times....is pretty sad.
You and just about everyone else who say the way I looked at you knows I love you even though I wanted to strangle you most days when I was back home.
I know I shouldn't be sorry for what I did, I shouldn't be ashamed, I should be telling you to go fuck yourself, you deserved every bit of that and don't act like you don't. You have no reason to be shoving every bit of your hypocrisy in my face. But I am sorry I hurt you. I do regret what happened, but not simply for your sake. There are mosre reason's then just you, but it's mainly you.
After you left me, I really had no idea what to do and I was really confused because you were gone....but you weren't. I started talking to Quiz about all of it not to take advantage of your guys friendship like you thought, but because he was the only one who didn't constantly bullshit me about it all and he actually seemed to know what I was going through in some ways. Then his thing with Skye happened and I started talking to him about that and I guess helped him out. You left me and he picked up the pieces by just being my friend and being there for me.
You left me doll and it's not my fault your best friend happened to be the one to pick up the pieces...infact I recall you
telling me he was the guy you would want me to be with because you knew he would take care of me and he was the only guy who wouldn't need good insurance....But letting it go as far as it did was my fault and a huge regretable mistake, one I will never be making again. 
If I could take it back what I did, I would in a heart beat....but I can't and I can't tell you that you didn't deserve it.
So is your way of getting back at your best friend, pretending to love his sister then...I wonder
Or is she just your way of keeping a roof over your head...
Because from the looks of her....shes not really your type dear, plus I recall you telling me she was unattractive...

Love you are overly hypocritical for someone who's fucked me over so many times and lied to me enough. For some one so intelligent you think you would have realized when you've gotten exactly as you deserved....
That still doesn't change how sorry I am...which is more then I can say for you and all the hell you put me through....
What you lack in forgiveness you clearly make up for in blinding hypocrisy and dellusions.
If you wanted to hear me say I'm sorry and that I'm ashamed of what happened......all you had to do was call me dear.
It's funny how no matter what seems to instantly change to fuck off when you are the one being hurt but when you are the one
fucking everything up as usual and hurting me it's a completely different story...
Your really daft and closed minded sometimes Paul Michael.
If you don't want me with anyone else....you should consider not being so damn hypocritical.
Big ass scardy cat.
I really have always loved you and cared about you more then anything, and still do love and care about you, just.....nevermind you will force yourself not to believe me, so theres really no point in explaining it to you
right now. I truly am deeply sorry I hurt you.   I do understand why you are always so mean to me now, and why you are always so defensive....It's a shame you don't see clearly. It's a shame you can't see how sorry I am for hurting you.
If you are in the dellusion that I am going to just come back to ruin everyones friend ships and relationships....You are an idiot.
Destruction is your speciality not mine doll. I just want you back....I really just want my best friend back.
It's been 9 months....If I wasn't sorry why would I keep seeking your forgivness? If I never loved you....why would I have stuck around for so long and waited for you to grow up? Why would I be trying to get you back?
I really just want my nerd of a best friend back. You charmed
my pants off(figurativly of course) and I want nothing more then you and it's been that way
since probably I met you, not exactly like that but go figure I always had a big silly crush on you. I
want my best friend back. You know the weird one that made me cut and shave  his armpit hairs(with my sweet pink venus razor) because he couldn't do it himself, the one that used to call me while
he was in the bathtub just so I could hear what his farts sounded like underwater, the one that used to take me swinging, and tried to put rocks down my pants once, the odd one that I am completely comfortable around, the one that wore my dress and pants one night....you looked super sexy! ha ha, the one who's butt I kicked at metal slug, the one who made up corndog toes dog with me while walking back from dinner, the one who used to sing to me at the top of his lungs in the car...enough though you sucked at it, the one who I could be a complete dork with, the one that said no matter what he would always be there for me and that we'd always be best friends. The one that threw me into a pretzel one day, and I ended up with a bruise on my head because some bottle fell, he laughed at me. The one who's kisses always made everything so much better, that dorky one that the second I saw him as I was getting off the bus could always make my tension subside and my heart kick into a dead sprint, the one who literally made me lose my train of thought several times just because he happened to look me in the eyes and smile, I often had to remind myself to breath. I miss cuddling up in my bed with him most days after a bath completely naked still and just falling asleep with him. I don't care if we are just friends again or back to dating(this being the less likely seeing as you have one)...okay I do care but I can handle friends. I want you to put all your hypocrisy and grudge holding on both ends aside and at least sit down and talk with me
I wish things were how they used to be, not emotion wise but more who I had.
Meaning I wish I was still waking up next to you I used to wake up next to
every other weekend, just wish it was everyday.
I wish you weren't so fucking hypocritical about it, better yet I wish it never had to happen.
But wishing never got me anywhere.
Even though I miss you and do want you back, I do hope you are happy.
If you didn't want to lose possesion of me....then you should have pushed me away so hard.
Honestly I don't know if you will even read all of this. But hopefully you do.
I do miss you a lot Paul.
I really am sorry I hurt you doll. 
I just don't get why when you make countless mistakes and are a complete piece of shit....we can start over. But when I make a mistake...we can't....well you are to scared to.
You can come back at the end of July begining of August and talk things through with me a little and talk to me....then you run again...like you always do. 
The bottom line is, I am sorry which is more then I can say for you and what you did to me.
Yes I have a new boyfriend, which honestly it's really nice to have someone there for me and with me when I'm going through all the treatment and every sleepless painful night I usually have to endure every single night. It's nice having someone help me out and take care of me. You have no idea the hell I have endured the past months being this fucking sick.
If what you have with Kc's little sister is real, then I am happy for you Paul.
Well I'm going to go smoke then head into Seattle for dinner with Gavin.
Have a nice night.....that is if you have even read down this far or even opened this.
I get the feeling though you won't be the only one reading this....maybe that's just me though. 

Kali Michelle

(no subject)
I have an overwhelming urge to throw up right now.....
This is wonderful. The good news is I realized today I haven't gotten any new sores in almost a months....maybe 2.
Which is a very good sign!
Anyways, I attempted to cut Gza's nails last night because they were looking for like raptor claws then dog paws....and
I forgot how scared he gets over it and he scratched the hell out of my right arm and then he started acting like it was
a game and got his upper half really low to the ground with his paws spread out and his big ass in the air, tail wagging and all and started growling at me. He basically mauled me. Then after I got mad and annoyed with him and yelled because it fucking hurt! He got all cuddled up next to me laid his head on my leg and just looked at me all pathetic like........he's such a cheater!
Doctors tomorrow then home on Saturday.

Ugh I want out of this town already. Spending 3 weeks here wasn't good either. I was extremely nostolgic. Well I normally am, but when I come to spokane it gets worse for obvious reasons.
Got surprise plans tonight.....wish someone would let me in on the surprise! haha

In other news....I made coffee and I'm completely content right now! haha French Vanilla coffee plus nice warm bed equals phenomenalness (probably not really a word).

Plans for today
On my way to Spokane.
Going to stop downtown at Rocketbakery before headint to Patti's.
Then making TUNA NOODLE CASAROLE TONIGHT!!! It sounds so good! I'm overly excited about it haha obviously.
Then possibly heading back downtown to meet A-bomb and watch a show....don't know yet, that will really depend on how I feel. Been feeling nauseated still.
Oh lord! Doctors appointment Friday. Then home Saturday!
Spokane and even worse nostolgia here I come! Haha
I like coming here with Gavin, it makes it easier to force it all down and not be so ashamed of myself for what happened.
Moving to Atlanta in April. I want to visit a new city and Emi asked me to move in with her and her girlfriend. I think I will like Atlanta. :) I will eventually come back to Seattle, my live is here. But I need a big change in vision. I'm hoping my man comes with me...or at least comes to visit me. I really like having him around. He's cracks me up and is a big sweetheart :)
Anywho....my tooshy is already numb and we haven't even been in the car that long haha.

Gavin and I had an extremely long deep conversation last night. I never knew a lot of these things about him that he was telling me about. It was nice to finally hear about his past and a lot of his thoughts I guess you could say. We always have really heavy talks about things but none quite the same as this one. Some of the things he's been through I couldn't even imagine what were like. After hearing everything  I heard, I was in some ways surprised he is in no way resentful or decietful towards anyone, that he is such a sweetheart after being messed with so much and going through what he went through. I've always admired his maturity and his ability to always be understanding and honest no matter what the situation.

My job interviews went good. Hopefully I start one of them here soon. My money situation is really tight right now.
Like really really tight. I don't have extra money for much really besides food. Which is good I'm learning to value my money a lot better and I'm being a lot more careful and less picky when it comes to grocery shopping. Well I've always been careful with it but I always bought things I didn't really need or only went to the grocery store when I needed something. Instead now I just buy everything at one time and stock up. So I usually only go about once every 2 months.

(no subject)

Today is not going to be a good day. I've been feeling extremely nauseated for the past few days but today is the worst. The good news is I finally fell asleep last night......but ended up having dreams that I didn't want to be remembering or having for that matter. I ended up waking up really fasting and jerking my body up right.....which was a horrible idea....lets just say theres was a lot of pain after that! Anyways I accidentaly woke Gavin up, which was weird because he didn't say anything all he did was kiss my forehead when I cuddled up. Apparently after that i was crying in my sleep a few times. My back is burning today as well...which isn't a good sign. The aching is okay and the hurting is normal....but when it burns that always means something really bad is going on back there. ha ha

Spokane tomorrow or thursday for a hospital visit friday, then back home on saturday. Thank god Gavin is driving. I don't want to for once haha
Going to go take a bath. I hurt everywhere.
I've been choking back tears ever since I woke up this morning. Nothing feels good on me today. I'm starting to just break down again. :(

(no subject)

Wow I really miss Paul.....still.
I want him back.
Don't get me wrong I'm living my life and am usual always in a cheerful mood everyday or just being a big dork.
But when it comes down to it....I really miss him and want him back still, I haven't stopped either. Going to go cuddle up in bed and watch Demons. Gza is being a pain, he keeps whinning. I have no idea what he wants, I keep letting him out and he's been fed. He's being a turd today! haha
So a few days ago I took a bath and put skin so soft in....just a tiny bit, not even a full tablespoon....well that was about 2 or 3 days ago and I still smell like skin so fucking soft! I have taken showers since then as well. haha It's weird. Any other time I've used it, the smell didn't last that long. haha Atleast my skin is even softer then it normally is. Oh man....I smell funky though hahaha 
My back is killing me today, and I'm having issue's breathing. Horray for flesh eating diseases!...NOT! fuck this :/


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